Dear friend,

I’ve starting this countless times over the past few days and I keep getting lost down meandering and disconnected thoughts. So I’m just going to cut to the chase. 

Today is the end of this chapter, of these past 2 years. Tomorrow marks the start of a new challenge and it really feels like this is the point that change begins again, that I start getting back to being the person I’m supposed to be and getting back on that path I want to be on.

I’m not sure if I’m going to keep writing here or not, thinking I will see how it feels at the end of the week. But I need you to know t that you are still an inspiration to me and even now when it can feel like being lost in a storm you bring calmness. I hope that along this new path we are able to reconnect and talk again as I feel that there are still chapters of our story left. 

Todays song ~ Change - Anika

17/07/2022

Dear friend,

Been a little while since I last wrote to you. I was talking with a friend today about memories and there’s a lot of good but also a lot of bad. A lot. But I am beginning to feel the good ones again. Memories of laughing about Little Big Jimmy … of sprinting of the bus, down the path, through the corridors into our class to see who was that day … of truly seeing someone be more than I could have ever imagined. All those years ago when I felt like this I would sink into the l’appel du vide. And that desire is still there, like a cancer ready to eat me whole. And sometimes I consider giving in to the familiar but I don’t really want that pain again. I have been feeding it over the past few years and it is going to stop, no matter how long it takes. So I think about the good. The memories, the now and the future. And when I can’t find it in myself I find it in the people I care about. I know I’m only peeking into the window of their lives but I see so much greatness in them all. And they see that in me. A friend wrote a recommendation for me today and I should believe what he says.

I am determined to keep creating new memories of adventure and success and positivity. I can feel myself moving out of this dark bubble. When I go for a walk I feel more … there, here, now. I feel the wind or the rain or the sun and wonder how it will feel to be in different places. I can feel music again. More than just melody or rhythm but that inner part of me that wants to tell a million stories. I’ve started picturing my own place again. Picturing the places I will visit and the things I want to do. There is so much that I want to do, so much that could happen and so much to look forward to. 

I’m working really hard to manifest the path I want to be on and it is working. I don’t care if each step takes months I know I’m going to be on the right path. A whole new chapter is right around the corner. 

I hope you know I miss you and I hope that I make you proud.

Todays song - Alpine Green / Jolé

24/01/22

Dear friend,

2 and a half weeks away until their big day. I support it but I don’t understand it. It feels fake and ignorant to real issues. My sister put it perfectly earlier this week. The carpet it getting lumpy.

Thought I was ready for this time of the year but it’s already proving to be a challenge. Keep breathing, stay present and focus on what you’re working towards Jacob. You can do it.

Dear friend,

I had a memory recently of being in a small, rented office space sitting opposite a woman who knew me more than anyone else had ever known me at that point. I remember seeing a figure walk past the frosted glass wall … or door? There are parts that are missing or blended like paints mixing together (or hidden away) … and feeling trapped. Could they have heard my life through the thin walls, then she spoke and the figure had gone. We talked and the weight within would fade but I didn’t yet know how to fill that neutral void. Looking down at my right hand to control the shake and then up to her eyes which would scan through me with a genuine but professional warmth as she figured out how to ask her next question. When she looked away I stole a glance at the generic clock on the wall and it would always be closer to the end rather than the start. Almost to mimic that the memory seemed to disappear. My hands don’t shake as much anymore and I can meet people eyes without feeling as exposed and raw. I know how to balance that neutral void better but the weight has been coming back. There are times, like right now writing this, that it feels like that time on the roof of 201.

It was a few weeks after moving in and my flatmate wasn’t there one night and I was in the bad place. I went up to the roof of the apartment building and stood staring down at the street. There was a guy out for a night run and lights on in various windows of the apartment building opposite. I smoked a cig then threw it watching the last embers brighten as it streaked through the air turning dull until it disappeared into the inky black of the night. The waves of invasive thoughts crept in and the unspoken promise I made to myself and so many people formed the wall. The weight sat within me and stuck around for the rest of the week. Work, university, hanging with friends … it was just there until it wasn’t. That process has been happening irregularly throughout this year but lately its more common. Someone asked me about a scar on my arm and then I found her email which is what I think sparked that first memory. I know it would be right and is needed but here is not the time to go through that again. The reason I write these letters to you is because she told me it would always help. ( and I mean of course because of Charlie )

I do have some good news for you. All the effort I’ve put into my work & socials is showing signs of paying of. An artist I’ve admired for a few years dropped me a follow. Someone I worked with years ago reached out and has offered to push my name for a creative role at their place. It’s the slightest crack in the door but the role and company could be a pretty big step and I want it so badly … but don’t want to get my hopes up yno … and I know that if I want to succeed I’ve got to put myself in a position to do just that. It was great to have that effort vindicated. I’ve been working on a portfolio project and for the first time in a while I feel comfortable calling myself and being a designer, a creative. It’s the flip side to the negative. The almost uncontrollable storm of ideas and memories and colours and sounds and emotions and textures and stories and concepts coming together to create something I feel proud of. And I hope she feels proud too.

It’s also been 2 months since I stopped smoking! Cravings are still pretty low and workouts are getting 1% more fun … which is a good thing.

Today’s song ~ Window - The Album Leaf

21(22)/11/21

Dear friend,

Let me get this out of the way. Last weekend fucking sucked. It took me back to a time and place that I thought I had moved on from. A state of mind that I hadn’t wanted to return to. But. I am dealing with it. I’m being selfish. Processing it all and using it to fuel the motivation and momentum. I’m still learning what is healthy and unhealthy for me and what I can do to put myself in the right place for me. I believe that everyone is capable of positive change and I am and have been applying that to myself.

I’m really pleased with how this first week of the new approach to socials has gone for and I’m learning more than I thought I would. Next week I expand it out a bit and make some more solid progress on the website/portfolio. Couple more weeks and it’ll be ready to go live and I’ll be ready to start sending out those apps.

It’s been about a month and a half since I stopped smoking and started working out. This past week I threw nearly daily walks into the mix and it has been great. Great to get out for an hour, listen to some music and decompress. Enjoying the colder weather and darker evenings but definitely looking forward to warmer weather and by then I’ll be exploring further. Next challenge is my diet and after this past month I have already proved I can make positive changes so I can make this one. 

It feels like I am on the path to living again. To feeling the world and the people and the sound and colours and the parts of me I had hidden away when I moved here.

Todays song ~ Try - Nosaj Thing & Toro y Moi

07(8)/11/21

Dear friend,

What a week it was last week. I totally jinxed myself in my last letter as that flu really hit hard. At the risk of a double jinx I think I’m a nearly out of it now and starting to feel human again … I have energy?! 

Saturday was a day. I spoke with my soon to be (second) stepdad about my discomfort surrounding being part of his stag do and I had that chat with my mom about my concerns about her health. I’ve tried writing about the weekend a bunch this evening but you know what … I’ve had a positive day and I want to focus on that. It’s going to take some time to write out what happened last weekend but I will tell you about it.

But anyway.. 

Over the past few months, since leaving my last job, I’ve been working on refreshing my creative identity and building towards today and this month. I’ve been battling with the impact that job had on my confidence and direction and I can confidently tell you that I am back on the general track I want to be on. 

Today, even though I’ve already been slowly making these changes, is the start of a new approach to my attitude as a creative and how I use social medias as a creative. And I’m excited. I’ve put together an awesome project for this month … it’s already 90% completed so that I can keep cracking on with my portfolio/website and also make a start on next months project. I’m structuring my time a lot better and it’s tying in with other positive changes that I’ve made with nearly not hiccups. I wouldn’t have been able to do this at the start of the year, regardless of work commitments, and it feels so. good. to be breaking through that barrier of self doubt and putting myself back out there. ‘Day one’ has already gone better than I expected and I’ve got so much more I want to share and do. 

I also caught up with an old highschool mate today. He was talking about going for walks and I mentioned how much I missed going for hikes back in the day. So we’re potentially going for a walk/hike this weekend if nothing comes up for either of us and we want it to be a regular thing … maybe every week, maybe every fortnight. Another thing I’m really exciting for … this feels like it could be the right step to getting back out into the public physically, not just behind my digital art. The right step towards ‘reclaiming’ my life, seeing the world and meeting new and old people.

I just glanced down at the time and it’s 00:15, I should head to bed … got plenty that needs doing tomorrow!

Todays song ~ Nuclear - Mike Oldfield

01(2)/11/21

Dear friend,

So this week didn’t start of the way I expected (when does anything amirite) as I caught this flu / cold that’s been going round and let me tell ya Monday was grim. But still managed to get in a workout on Monday and while the squats sucked it did really help the recovery. Thankfully it feels like I’ve passed through the worst of it. Mainly just a tickly throat and cough going on at the moment.

A cough … guess I should get to what I actually wanted to write to you about

This cough I’ve had today has sounded a lot like my moms. She’s had this pretty nasty cough for 1 maybe 2 years now and if it is anything like what I’ve experienced today I do not understand how the fuck she is so ignorant to it. She had covid a while back and still has lingering issues including breathlessness. As time passes I’m growing both more worried and more frustrated. After many months of family, friends and colleagues telling her to see the doctor she caved in ‘to make people happy.’ She came back seemingly refreshed and said that she was booked in for a follow up chest xray a few weeks later. Awesome, that’s a step forward. I reminded her that we pester her because we all want her to be happy and healthy, she flashed a smile as she was already on her way out of the room. Time passes … cough still sounds grim … no mention or chat about the xray. Does that mean she’s all good? Did she have it? Did she forget? Did she cancel? Is she scared? Does she not think it’s that serious? Did she bs us? Does she know how worried my sister and I are?

I’m going to talk to her about it this weekend and I’m worried that she will either get so overly defensive that the conversation will fall apart or she won’t accept that people have serious concerns about her health and that perhaps it’s time to listen to those concerns.

If she isn’t interested in entertaining making some positive changes or just believes that everything’s ok I’m worried it’s going to damage my relationship with her more. 

I recently stopped smoking, infact it’ll be one month tomorrow! I did stop smoking last year for 5 months however for a variety of reasons I caved in to the cravings. This time round it’s been a lot easier to stop … I stopped once before I could do it again, I educated myself more and what it was doing to my body and my future, I truly realised the risk of smoking around family, etc etc. To help the quitting process I was using a vape (which I didn’t really enjoy) with low levels of nicotine to supplement that whole desire for a smoke. It worked pretty well and I barely want a cigarette these days. Before I stopped using the vape, which my mom knew I was using to help get out of the nicotine cycle, it had stopped being remotely enjoyable and felt nothing like a cigarette to which she suggested I should increase the amount of nicotine. She doubled down on that after I reminded her I was trying to get out of the grips of nicotine and cigs and all that shit. 

I hope she doesn’t throw the fact I’ve only stopped smoking for a month in my face.

The positive changes that I’ve made lately are important and I shouldn’t let anything or anyone take me of that path and on to a negative one.

Writing to you this evening has really helped. It’s also opened me up to a bunch of other thoughts and feelings that I shall meditate on tomorrow and possibly write to you about. 

Todays song ~ purple rose minuet - Susumu Yokota

27(8)/10/21

Dear friend,

I’m writing to you because recently I’ve started to reconnect with myself. I told you in my last letter that I had started a new job and that I was excited for the future. That future didn’t end up happening and I left that job a couple of months ago. I’ll tell you about that job another day as I want to focus on something positive.

I went for a walk yesterday! No big deal right. Well it’s the first time in just over a year, according to strava, that I’ve been for a walk. The first time in 2021 that I’ve left the house out of choice rather than obligation. It was cold and grey, I definitely didn’t wear enough layers and I spent the majority of the walk talking with a friend. They asked at one point if I knew anyone local to spend time with, that they thought it would help and I could hear that tone of concern when I said other than family I don’t know anyone here. That tone of concern that would be in peoples voices 6+ years ago. I made a joke and we moved the conversation on. We talked some more about our lives and I wondered if the people who walked by with their dogs, the people on their phones or the people staring down at the path in front of them had similar conversations with the people close to them. I’d like to think that each person I passed on the walk was happy and I hoped they thought the same about me. Or maybe they didn’t think about that at all. Regardless, it felt good to break down that barrier of getting out.

I don’t think I want to write about anything else right now but I want you to know that things are changing for the best and that I’m going start going for walks again on my rest days. 

Todays song ~ Big Skies, Silly Faces - Orlando Weeks

24/10/21

Hey!

This used to be jayashr … for anyone who used to follow me / is interested jayashr has moved here - x - and will be where I share some of my work, starting over the next few weeks.

projbit-blog:

(via bxlaurus)